[VT] IC journal/records

[morganizedchaos]

[As dated in header; all on his phone sorry train]

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Kazoo 22/October 1st, 2035

[morganizedchaos]

It's been...

one week, since you looked at me
threw your eyes in the air and said you're crazy

Yeah, thanks for that, Danielle, don't know how I'd get through this without dated pop music. (Miss you.)

So. One week. I'm nineteen days old today.

Time flies, but not fast enough for me to forget that I don't have anything to do. That I don't really have a role here, or a purpose, or... Well, filling in for Morgan wasn't a purpose (except when it fucking was, Alex), but at least it was something. There was always something that needed doing, that needed my skillset in particular. Random Typhon sightings, Fabricator soldering, shooting obnoxious narc older siblings with crossbows, whatever, I'm multifunction.

Also I can admit that I may not have had the most foresight in terms of 'I will eventually have to introduce myself to people' in choosing my name, so that's on me I guess. Deal with the consequences of your actions, Ghost.

There's a lot of people here, I'm not even at halfway through the introductions song and dance. I never thought about how much I came with prefab relationships, but of course I did. I was the last person to know that I was being created, that's plenty of time for people to get some ideas in their heads of what to expect. Now it's just blank slates every which way, as far as the eye can see*.

*(Not very far, usually only to the end of the car you're in at the time, but it's the thought that counts.)

I'm... managing. It helps, being able to feel that a good portion of the people here are the same kinds of too-loud messes I'm used to. I just wish there was more space to get away from them from time to time. I'd stab someone for a psi-inhibitor. Wouldn't even have to someone I don't like.

Starting to get why it's hard for people to talk about trauma, though. Stepping in with so context that no one knows is fucking daunting and that's without getting into "if you think too loud at me, I might knock myself out hearing it whether I want to or not." Yeah, I'm not a dumbshit, I know how most people react to that sort of shit, even without psychic-aliens related trauma.

Which, no shortage of other kinds of trauma, I think Soldat alone is enough for somebody to case study straight up into a thesis. I'm halfway through the general shit med's got, but I'm going to have to get specialist materials just for my own survival. I don't think that's what people mean when they say that most therapists got into it because of their own mental health.

But it's not like I have anything better to do. Time and inclination, and if there's anything I was made to do, it's giving a fuck.

Okay, so, game plan: Work my own shit out a little better as I go through this shit. Get a hold of some trauma-specific information. Tell a couple people who seem to like me about the telepathy-with-a-small-t.

... Also find some time to grab Rin and find out what media they even have. Surely whatever superfuture they're from has How It's made or something, that's some low-effort learning that'll fill the gaps my brain needs to churn on the other shit. (Did they even come out to picnic? What a homebody.)

Anyway, so - picnic. I feel like that was probably more intended for people who've been here longer, who have bigger gaping holes for the people they miss, but. It was nice to be able to get away from the psychic noise for a bit. Couple people caught me Phantoming, but that's probably something else to add to the to-do list for revealing all my dirty secrets. It was good to let go for a little while at least. And I sent messages to everyone important.

Well. 'Messages,' y'know, not exactly verbal ones. Other people talk to rocks, I just shove a bunch of thoughts in one and hope it all works out okay. Did Mikhaila's last, hopefully they arrive in that order because I'm not sure it won't set off her paraplexis and. y'know. I'd never forgive myself for that. But fair's fair, and she deserved that much.

Fuck, I wish she was here. Or Danielle, or Emmanuella, or... Well. It wouldn't be any better for Morgan than it is for me and he has worse impulse control when it comes to bad ideas when he's bored, so scratch that one, actually. Aaron or Austin, maybe. I'd say Sarah but she'd kick my ass for dragging her here.

And it'd probably take me two days to say I'm sorry. :P